Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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