i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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