He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
