Jerry, you need to find god
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
