did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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