you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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