this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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