my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
