I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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