Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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