My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
