Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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