Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
