I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
