My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
