Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize