how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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