We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
