I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
