omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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