I'm really into asian looking animals
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
