Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize