NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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