he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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