I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
