i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
