I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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