he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
