The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
