just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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