your parents love me but you hate me
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
