I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
