Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
