Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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