I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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