It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
