Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
