I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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