bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
