Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
