the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
