I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
