This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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