just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
