I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
