OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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