I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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