the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
