I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
