theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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