She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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