I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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