Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize