I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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