Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
