I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
