i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
