i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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