if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
