you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
