Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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