she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
