You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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