Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
