dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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