But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
