meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
