Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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