My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
