Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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