Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We named our party play list daddy issues
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dick very happy bro
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
